Ahead of Pride Week, happening from Aug. 31 to Sept. 6, one resident looked back at how coming to the city provided the space to live truthfully through finding community.
When then-closeted Joel Waldner, 36, ran away from a Hutterite colony, he was searching for the freedom to be his authentic self. Now, nearly 17 years later, he has found healing by helping others do the same through sharing his story on social media.
The first time Waldner came to Calgary wasn’t when he moved here alone in the early 2010s, but when he went to the Crossroads Market, located south of Inglewood, as a child. Here, he helped his family, who belonged to a Hutterite colony near Bassano, Alta., sell their goods.
Almost every weekend, Waldner helped his dad, who was a gardener by trade, sell fresh produce. Essentially, he was the poster boy — donning a cowboy hat and the signature German-inspired dress pants, patterned shirt, and suspenders.
“My dad would just put me in front, telling me, ‘you need to smile at people so they buy from us,’” he said.
“He was marketing with this little kid, like, ‘look at the friendly little kid with the hat.’ And it worked.”
When he wasn’t attracting potential customers, Waldner said that he was thinking about the “real world,” as he called it, and whether it had more to offer. It’s this question that led him to buy a Sony Walkman from a flea market and smuggle it home at 13.
“I managed to sneak it into the empty baskets and boxes and put it in the back of the truck without my dad seeing,” said Waldner.
“I snuck it home, and I would keep it hidden in a hidden ceiling.”
Whether he was tuning into a song or a hockey game, his radio became his entertainment, his escape, and his way of talking to other teenagers. At the time, Waldner’s colony had just installed landline phones that served as the property’s intercom system.
“I would start calling, I think it was [CKDQ 92.5] in Drumheller, the radio station, to request songs, and then I would send them out to my cousins at other colonies,” he said.
“It was almost a rite of passage at that age — other people would have some type of electronic, and it was just more on the down low.”
But as Waldner became increasingly drawn to the outside world, he felt more and more disconnected from the life he was living and everything he had known.
Living on the colony
Hutterites originated in central Europe in the 16th-century during the Anabaptist movement. As pacifists, they travelled from place to place, avoiding war. Eventually, they settled throughout North America, and the Canadian prairies became home to 70 percent of the population.
They share a common ancestry with the Mennonites and Amish, but differ in one major aspect: Hutterites believe in communal living and sharing possessions, leading a life guided by the principles outlined in the Christian Bible.
Waldner said that each colony typically houses between 120 and 150 self-sufficient people living almost entirely off the grid. They grow most of what they eat, build their own structures, and make a living by selling it, whether that be agriculture or industrial materials.
“Everyone’s taken care of, everyone has food, everyone has shelter,” he said.
“Even if someone is maybe not pulling their weight or whatever, they still get their needs met, so no one is left behind.”
Because of the communal structure, Waldner said that individuality is discouraged: Everyone is expected to dine at the same time and place, young adults are expected to work, and men are expected to marry women.
To this day, he said he has long admired certain aspects of the lifestyle, from appreciating the structure of a consistent routine to how being a jack-of-all-trades can come in handy. What became a source of fear for Waldner was the latter — marrying a woman wasn’t for him.
By 19, he said that the realization that he might be gay had been towering over him for some time. Waldner emphasized the power of religion, noting that for Hutterites specifically, their entire world revolved around serving the community and God.
In the eyes of their faith, he said that his very existence went against what they stood for, and that he was met with two options: stay on the colony and never marry, or put himself first and live truthfully elsewhere.
“But if I were to live that world, I would be so unhappy, because that’s not who I am authentically, and I would get depressed,” said Waldner.
“That’s how I knew I wouldn’t ever be able to fit into that world.”
What it took to leave
Waldner, knowing he could not stay for another winter, found a job posting at a farm near Olds, Alta., and was hired over the phone. All he needed was to buy a ticket to meet the employer at the bus station.
Working odd jobs for his neighbour, Waldner managed to save up $1,000 cash. With that, a bag full of clothes, and his eyes on the horizon, he set a date and eloped from the colony in October 2009.
“The day came, and as everyone was going for lunch, I stayed behind,” said Waldner.
“I had my duffel bags hidden down in the shop, so I took the farm truck and drove to Bassano. I was terrified.”
He arrived at the Greyhound station, bought his ticket, and boarded the bus. The route headed west, then through Calgary to pick up mail, before eventually arriving at the farm. Waldner’s first full day there involved errands: he needed clothes, a cell phone, and a bank account.
“My first English clothes were at Mark’s — I bought two pairs of Levi’s jeans,” he said.
“I remembered feeling so cool now that I had blue jeans.”
The farm job ultimately didn’t work out, leading him to move into his employer’s ex-girlfriend’s trailer in Water Valley, Alta., where he worked at the local video rental store. Months later, she moved to Ontario, bringing Waldner to relocate once again.
Coming out for the first time
He was hired to work at a feed lot near Airdrie, Alta., and moved in with a coworker in late January 2010. The job paid well, and Waldner soon bought his first truck. He said that he was finally feeling a sense of stability — enough so that he came out for the first time.
“Everyone was actually great. There were a few guys that made some wise comments,” said Waldner.
“But I was so surprised, I was like, ‘wow, people can be so accepting here, like maybe it isn’t so bad.’”
This was true, for the most part, until he wrote a letter coming out to his parents. Waldner said that they called him, crying and in shock, questioning him about whether his sexuality was a result of him being abused or because he took acne medication.
“In their heads, something must have happened,” said Waldner.
“At the time, I didn’t see it how I see it now, but I can see, even just those responses, how it was them trying to sort of understand it.”
Shortly after, he noticed that his roommate had started to feel uncomfortable with Waldner being gay, bringing him to take it upon himself to post an ad on Kijiji searching for a queer-friendly place to live.
What Waldner didn’t know at the time was that he would not only find a place to live, but also a friend that would be by his side for years to come.
Finding family outside of blood
Paris Pirani responded to the ad offering Waldner a room for rent. She said he was upfront with her about wanting a space to be himself, to which Pirani, living with her now ex-girlfriend, replied, “That’s great, because we’re lesbians.”
The trio vetted one another over coffee at Starbucks, and since then, she said they have been “inseparable ever since.” Wherever Pirani went, Waldner followed, including when they moved to Calgary in 2011.
She said that all friendships are special, but what made getting close to Waldner even more unique was being in his corner as he experienced things for the first time that others wouldn’t think twice about.
“Every time we did something, it was like when you take a kid to Disneyland and see the world through a new lens of their eyes,” said Pirani.
“We went to Mexico, we went to Vegas, and Vancouver for the night to see Lady Gaga.”
Waldner said that this was both overwhelming and enlightening, and, for his first time attending a Pride parade, sometimes even uncomfortable. He said that watching people tune into their sexuality revealed that he had internalized the homophobia that he was raised around.
Another event that served as a “reality check,” Waldner said, was when his brother died in 2024. At that point, he said he had been focused on building his life, and that this made him realize the resentment he had been holding against his family was weighing him down.
For more than a decade, Waldner said he struggled to come to terms with his family’s refusal to accept him. However, through therapy, he said learning that tolerance is more realistic than approval allowed him to rekindle that relationship.
“My view of the world was black and white, and I think that’s how it is in that world, you see right and wrong,” said Waldner.
“But understanding that the world is very gray, and this is so gray and nuanced, helped me a lot.”
Healing himself to heal others
Waldner said that, since then, having boundaries has enabled him to visit the colony and be part of his siblings’ lives and their young families. He said that coming to terms with the fact that you might not share the same beliefs is challenging, but it starts from within.
“I know for a lot of people who are stuck in those oppressive worlds, those beliefs can be so hard to overcome, and you don’t have to change your whole belief system,” said Waldner.
“But I’m asking that you don’t hate yourself or feel shame for something that you cannot change — you need to find acceptance for yourself first before you can ask other people to accept you.”
This is the message at the centre of his Instagram account, @hutterwrong, which he began posting more frequently this past spring. Waldner said that one post in particular blew up, garnering over 10,000 likes and bringing his follower count to over 16,000.
He said that this has received some negative feedback, especially from closeted members of the Hutterite community. Waldner said that his goal with the account is to humanize himself while educating others, and that, in some ways, that is precisely his target audience.
“I think I can actually create change or a conversation, because even some of the younger ones that have reached out and that are still in the colony, there are some that are okay with it,” he said.
“Seeing that, and also knowing that these people are going to be the future leaders and the preachers and stuff, when they have that exposure from this young age…I think I can see change.”
Having watched him grow over the years, Pirani said that Waldner has built himself from scratch and that who he is today is “night and day” from who he once was. What has stayed the same is his empathy for others, she said.
“I’m proud of him for using his platform and trying to be there for people,” said Pirani.
“Even if you can help one person, it can make a huge difference in someone’s life, and I’m so proud of him for doing that.”
Waldner said that he takes pride in his heritage and clarified that his account is not meant to criticize the community. Instead, he hopes to advocate for progress, whether in his lifetime or not.
